I remember parts of it like it was yesterday. But it wasn’t. It was thirteen years ago tonight when my wife and I spoke our wedding vows and began this incredible journey together. I’ve mentioned previously about when she first caught my eye, and when we first started dating. And I’ve even talked about the significance of the wedding date we chose. What I haven’t gone into detail about were the particulars of the evening itself.

Lush with Youthful Inexperience

These memories come about after thirteen years, and as such there are elements that have become lost to time, and elements that have only been revealed after they’ve had time to settle (the fun, classy ones like learning a few weeks ago that a cousin’s boyfriend plugged the toilet so badly that he nearly missed the ceremony). At the time, my boyhood church had just closed, and we had not taken up roots in a replacement, part of the reason we were heading to a brand new state to begin our lives together. At some point, then, in the same unique spirit as selecting a wedding date on a Tuesday evening, we determined there’d be no better place to exchange vows than her yard.

That last statement is lush with youthful inexperience, but I just love it. Of course there’d be a a better place to exchange vows. But, we were innocent. Some had suggested that we were, I guess I’ll say, crazy, that it wouldn’t take. How can you start a life, let alone stage a wedding, they asked, with no money, no jobs, and a tenuous housing situation 250 miles away, all three weeks into the post-9/11 world in which so many things were put on hold, just because. “Wise” beyond our years, we shrugged off these insinuations, believing in the goal of marriage, and not the wedding itself. But, boy did we do it up with what we had.

It’s not that we hadn’t dreamed of a more fancy, more expensive wedding. During our 23-month engagement, all sorts of ideas arose from time to time, but with little money and, eventually, little time, it finally seemed more important to make the most of the resources we had, and create something special nonetheless. I sure am glad that became our attitude, because once we took full ownership in our minds, established our budget and got to work, things very quickly fell into place.

Our wedding was scheduled for a Tuesday evening because that year the harvest moon was on a date which was a rare eight-digit palindrome, and because when you schedule a wedding in your yard, you can hold it on any day you want. We were moving to New Jersey on Wednesday. Most of our efforts leading up to that life-changing pair of days were in the name of the move. Our U-Haul was latched and locked just hours before our vows began. What a strange group of days led us to the 2nd of October.

In the last few days of unmarried life, we performed a few tasks that are usually not featured in the pre-wedding build-up. For instance, I had an incredible laugh a few years ago when I uncovered a fading Valvoline oil change receipt from October 2, yes, that October 2. Some days before, we purchased a few carloads of chrysanthemums and plastic chairs. We made sure the new patio had finished setting. We bought our rings, and were terrified that the store had sent her engagement ring to the wrong location after its resizing. We went on our final date as courting lovebirds, Hearts in Atlantis. The day before the wedding, we went with her father to Costco or BJ’s and bought all the snacks that we’d enjoy at the party. The usual chips, dips, veggies, I’m sure. But the one we remember most was a giant can of mixed nuts. “It’s a wedding,” we said, “Let’s splurge and get the deluxe nuts!” I’d never heard the term until that day, which was capped by a “test” of the nuts, by orders of the father of the bride. I learned what constituted “deluxe” nuts on the way home, when my face puffed up and my father and sister had to drive me to emergency room with a macadamia nut allergic reaction. Better the day before, than the day of, I like to think. Good thing our wedding portraits were taken with a nascent digital camera, as I was quite puffy about the face for a few days after that day, and you can’t tell so much at 640x480px.

There we stood, amidst potted flowers and twinkling white lights, wearing repurposed tails fit for Westminster Choir and a beautiful off-the-rack violet gown. We spoke unison vows from memory. I stared in her eyes like I have every day since then. We wore rings, released from a snot-ridden pillow at the hands of a pudgy four-year-old nephew. We signed a marriage certificate which was improperly filed, forcing us to resubmit a few weeks later. And we stood under a brilliant harvest moon, full-confident that this was real, that this would last.

A Collection of Unique Experiences

Thinking back from time to time, I have experienced a progressive range of mixed feelings about that evening, and the manner in which we got to that point. There was a period in which I felt like I’d failed her by not going the traditional route, a path taken by so many younger friends and members of her family as they began their journey within the few years after us. And then there have been the periods in which I myself have felt a greedy sense of lost opportunity, wondering what it would have been like to partake in all the material benefits of that a traditional wedding. The things we missed are fresh in my mind at those times: a bridal registry, a catered menu, a limousine ride, a fancy haircut, a bachelor party. We both still regret that more friends and family were unable to attend due to the day of the week and short-notice of the whole affair.

But I’ve never had mixed feelings about the manner in which we came out of that point. “We’re on our way to forever” and I’ve got my eyes on our 80th anniversary. Yes, it would have been nice to experience those things, and I have had a ball at so many similar weddings. But, in my view, the result is the marriage, and we all take different paths to get there. I think back on many beautiful weddings I’ve attended and their similarities homogenize in my mind (What church was that at? Whose reception was at that one function hall?). Anyone who went to our wedding would have no difficulty remembering where it was, and how it went down. That makes me proud. Our wedding highlighted our love.

I cherish these experiences, not because they are any more significant or meaningful that the thousands of weddings that happen daily. I cherish them because they are ours. These memories make up the first pages of our book of days. And, given the thirteen years that could not have happened without this lead-in, I wouldn’t update any one of them if I could. The best that you can do at the time, is often the best that you could ever do.