Summoned to Attentiveness

It’s been an unusual week for me. I hesitate to use words that come easily like “terrible” or “worst ever” because I know that there are people with whom I’m quite close, even, who have equally challenging weeks on an all-to-frequent basis. I do have it in perspective, but I still can recognize the fact that there has been more stress than I am accustomed to, or desire.

Without getting into abundant detail, this Monday I returned to work after a week’s vacation, worked one day, attended a conference for three, while trying to keep up and catch up with work remotely during breaks. I also ended up in the emergency room from an allergy and tried (seemingly successfully so far) to deal with a home computer crash through the Apple Store. As I begin this post, I’m overly excited to be getting up, heading to work for a full eight hours, and seeing my wife for a date tonight. Things are getting more normal again.

And so, even as I have worked to stay in perspective, it’s been a natural week for personal reflection. In general, any one of these anomalies would have been just that on a normal week, but pooled together, they present the choice to throw my hands up and laugh “not another one!” or to curl up and cry. I’ve mostly been able to choose the former this week, and I’m pleased with myself for that. Don’t get me wrong, there have been more hug requests to my wife than usual, but that’s why we’ve got each other!

If I’m not mistaken, it was Tuesday morning, well before many of these “anomalies” took place that I listened to Pastor Joel Osteen’s weekly podcast on the way to work. I listen to most of his sermons and although I know that we wouldn’t see totally eye-to-eye if we sat down and went over every detail, his messages overflow with such positivity, I always know I will take something useful away with me. This message was appropriately entitled “Reprogram Your Mind”. I think it actually helped me to better manage the week.

I frequently hear around the office “You know, they say you’re never dealt more than you can deal with” often followed by “but sometimes I just don’t know!” I try to remember that, and also follow another quote I heard once to the effect that we should give as we are able and take only as we need. So I often find myself recovering from one stressful situation by immediately barreling into the next one. I rarely allow myself the chance to sit calmly and prepare for what’s next.

Sometimes, we are forced into these calm situations.

Tuesday afternoon was one such moment, pulled from a conference I’d looked forward to, and sitting beside my wife, who’d gotten quite worried, I had a chance to think. Not so much of worry that something truly awful was going to happen to me from this allergic reaction. I’d been in that position before, and although annoying, mostly, I strongly believed I’d come out fine in a few hours. I found myself upset about small things like making her sad, missing the afternoon workshops, being unable to pick up my repaired computer on schedule, and that receipt for a hefty ER copayment sat pretty uncomfortably in my pocket.

There were some fifteen numbered examining rooms in this emergency wing of the hospital. They all seemed to be in use while I was there, and I could hear and see evidence that some of those Tuesday evenings could end up far worse than mine would.

My reflections in that room then turned more positive, toward a realization of the bountiful blessings in my life. I was less scared because I had a loving wife with me. I’d made it into professional care expediently, was expected to be feeling normal by evening, and knew that I would be annoyed by this whole situation for just a few days.

Were my inconveniences avoidable? It’s not all that clear, but as I’ve pondered that daily now, I’ve started to consider, in a somewhat morbid practice, the potential abundantly avoidable inconveniences in making certain choices. Sitting in a hospital bed with a worried wife nearby would feel all the more awful if brought on by a careless act like those I’ve noticed in myself this week: preparing my lunch walk soundtrack while walking downstairs, bending non-ergonomically to empty the dishwasher, spending a bit too much time concerning myself with my car stereo’s display. Any one of these trivial acts could get me right back I’m the hospital, or at the least dealing with a broken phone or car. And so I feel called to be more attentive, multitask less, and make the right decisions.

I know I didn’t “march quite friendly up to death” this week, no more than usual at least. But it is my hope that the minor inconveniences I endured (a puffy face, some foul tasting steroid pills, and a disappointing hospital payment) will help remind me that hospitals are a great place when you have no choice other than to be there. But that in most cases, it is in our own hands to avoid being there in the first place.