Modern-day Commentary
I hardly have any recollection of writing this story. In sixth grade, my English teacher wanted us to write stories, articles, and essays every week. He was a big part in my interest in writing all these years later. Because we wrote so frequently, many of the papers were “throw-away” stories, and this certainly seems to fall into that category. I wish I knew if the assignment had had any boundaries, or if I just went for it. The biggest frustration for me, as a reader, is that I did not clearly display my intentions for the format I was parodying. It starts with a dateline, indicating that it is probably a newspaper article, yet it frequently dips into present tense, as if I were reading copy at a news desk. And the closing tag most certainly suggests television news.
In reading these old papers, I’m taken by the amount of descriptors and unusual words that I would use back then. “Giant eddy”, “see their plan in full effect”, and “seventeen human-like figures”, for example, are not phrases I would ever consider using nowadays, but I know some teachers wanted very descriptive language.
Pretty funny that the top news story of 1988 was written in the present tense, four days after 1988 had concluded. Even funnier that this top news story was about a boy getting a concussion. Whatver. Read on!
Primary Source
“Young Boy Saves Many”
Writing
January 4, 1989
Mr. Wexler
Maui–
Here is the top news story of 1988.
In September, a large-ship named the “Big Boat” cruised the Pacific Ocean and at 0300 hours on the 19th, the ship sank in a giant eddy, never found before. It is now called the Maui Triangle.
Just three days ago on December 19th, the passenger ghosts came back to life after three months and are now terrorizing land and buildings all over the island of Maui. The ship’s Navigator Sven Ostroni from Norway seems to be the leader and he is the one whom the Coast Guard, Marines, and Navy are trying to capture. However, it is impossible to kill a ghost for three reasons; 1– he is already dead, so nothing can hurt him; 2–anything you shoot at him will go right through him; and the third reason is that you cannot see these spirits.
The Maui police department has a plan to get these ghosts for good, but it is top secret and they will not let it out.
The MPD has just declared that we will see their plan in full effect in approximately five minutes. Just now, huge amounts of flour came spewing out of the largest volcano on this island. Wait a minute! Seventeen human-like figures just appeared from nowhere at the bottom of Maui, and I believe that is the group the Armed Forces think are the ghosts. But now no one knows what to do, considering the spirits still haven’t taken on any solid form.
Just a moment ago, a young boy entered the scene. I don’t believe he should be out there with all of the missiles standing very close to him. The boy just tripped on a rock and his head cracked a fallen coconut in half. As the coconut juice flew through the air, the young boy remained on the ground, and I think he is critically injured. More importantly though, the juice sprayed onto the evil ghosts and with a cry of pain, at the exact time, all the spirits sank to the ground!
The boy is a hero, I tell you, but I don’t think he is going to get up. The paramedics have said that he is not breathing and could be in a coma. Well, when he wakes up, we’ll have to tell him about this feat. Who would’ve guessed that ghosts are afraid of coconut juice? You heard it first here, folks. Please continue to tune in to “Seaholm-on-the-Spot” and his daily report because “We Keep You Informed.”